Ben (Benny, Chicky, Cheech, Papa),
Today is your fourth birthday. It’s a hard day for me. Not because your birth was traumatic or because there are negative memories. It’s because you’re growing up. It’s highly likely that you’ll be my last baby and I desperately regret wishing away your infancy. I was totally overwhelmed with your brother and you were just so easy. Yes, you wanted to be held constantly, but that’s nothing the baby carrier couldn’t take care of. I couldn’t wait for you to hold your own bottle or sit up on your own because it would make things just that much easier.
But now, I don’t remember what you were like as a baby. I don’t remember what it felt like to hold you all the time; to feed you and wake up with you in the middle of the night. You crawled early, you walked early, you talked early (and haven’t stopped since) so it’s like you grew up and I missed the whole thing. I’m very sorry for that. I will try harder to savor the moments from now on.
Benny, you are so independent and really do know exactly what you want; whether it be two different socks or a glass vs. a blue cup. You mimic so many of my behaviors that it’s scary. We are so much alike it’s alarming and causes us strife from time to time but we’re figuring out how to work with each other. Just this morning you informed me that 4 year olds always listen and have nice behavior so perhaps we’re turning the corner.
I can’t wait to see who you become. It’s been fun to watch your interests blossom and I’m anxious to see you divulge from the path Max has forged and make your own way in this world. You really are a sweet, sunny, little boy and you’ll always be your mama’s baby.
I love you.