For Crying Out Loud

You know that episode of Everybody Loves Raymond, where Deborah turns on the Theme from Ice Castles so she can have a good cry? Yeah, that.

I remember reading something about the different temperaments of children when Max was around age 2 I think. I believe it was Happiest Baby or Happiest Toddler on the Block by Harvey Karp. The one temperament that I associated with Max was one in which the child held his sh!t together all day for school or child care but then completely lost it at home when back in the safe arms of his parents. Max was and still is totally like that, and I’m beginning to think I am too.

I have a lot swirling around in my brain. I’m having dreams about work every night, causing me interrupted sleep. We’re dealing with some unsettling news about Max (more to come on that in a later post) and I’m just feeling run down. I need to figure out a way to motivate and push myself to eat better and sleep more. I know that will help, but right now, I’m just so grumpy and I can’t shake it. I’m losing it at home. I’m hoping getting out for some fresh air and the change in routine for Christmas will help. Fingers crossed.

Fireman Santa

Santa came to Mimi’s house on his fire truck this weekend. I try not to, and feel silly for doing so, but I cry every time he comes. The emotion of  witnessing the pure joy that Max and Ben express just before you can see the truck but can already hear the sirens and music is unbearable. It doesn’t happen very often. In fact, Ben has nightmares at night of me yelling at him. I know he does because he’s repeating things I’ve said in his sleep. It’s a different kind of unbearable. It’s heartbreaking and makes me truly question my ability to be a good parent.

But on Saturday, after a rough morning and threats of going home before Santa even arrived, I got to experience what it feels like to be a kid at Christmas. That magic that everyone talks about isn’t always just a clichĂ©.